Well I think I've hit a new low. You know how sometimes, even though there is nothing new to be depressed over, it all just kinda hits you at once? Well that happened to me earlier today. I am actually depressed to the point of physical sickness. Just all of the bs I've been going through over the last few months....years? Shit about my ex gf..... shit about being in Asia for no real good reason... shit about being in the military for no real good reason... shit I don't feel comfortable talking about even with my closest friends... just shit in general.

I did decide to take that leap of faith so to speak from a previous journal entry. I decided that I will "shake things up" and see what happens. I have learned the hard way that with some moments if you wait to long they will pass you by and by time you take the required actions it is past it's expiration date. I know what will happen, rather I know all of the possibilities of what will happen. Let me start from the top and actually go into a bit of detail here instead of being vague. Yes, this is about a girl, no it's not my ex gf, no I don't think I've mentioned her on DA. See after my gf dumped me over email, even tho it was over long before that I just couldn't see us breaking up except face to face out of mutual respect for what we had. Well after all of that I have been able to look at myself as single for the first time in about 3 years. Even when my ex cheated on me and I was technically single I never really was on the look out for that next girl to break my heart. During our little "break" before getting back to gether I did have a couple of what passed for gf's but nothing that I claimed any attatchment to. Well anyway back to the present... I know what will happen. I will say what needs to be said and either a) she will be flattered and something more will come about, b) she will say "aw that's sweet" but ultimately reject me or c) she will say that she needs to think about it then refer to A/B. I think some of the people I know will be surprised when they find out who I'm talking about which is interesting for unknown reasons. All I am looking for is the opportunity now, there always seems to be too many people around. After I find this, word will spread fast I'm sure. The Air Force is just like high school... everyone expects you to have all of this potential and to be all great and everyone loves to gossip. Seriously I think that word spreads here faster than at my high school.

But ultimately, hit or miss, if I don't finally speak up I will be wondering "what if?" like I have so many times before. What if me and Kandi never got back together? What if she never cheated on me? What if I never found out? What if I never found out and we had gotten married like we had talked about? What if I had the nerve to ask out the other girls I was attracted to before meating Kandi or during our seperation? What if I never quit my job at the butcher's shop which do to not being able to find a job that paid well enough to pay for college is a big reason I joined the military? What if I actually could sleep through the night? What if people knew what is realling going on in my head? What if I could wake up one day and actually believe that I will be happy some day, all I have to do is suffer through a bit of lonlieness?

Regular "customers" that think they now me just because they see me at work are coming up and asking "are you ok Airman Smith? you seem a bit down." I just say, yeah I'm fine or I'm just tired, or some other BS but what I really want to say (or what I'm saying without actually using the words) is "No I'm not ok but if you think I"m going to talk to you just because you ask you're fucking crazy! I'm not going to reveal intimate details about my life and derpression to someone only knows my name because it's written on my uniform. What kind of pompus ass does it take to expect something like that from me?" Yeah... I should just break down and actually say all of the stuff on my mind when someone asks something stupid. My luck that person will be some officer that is just trying to make nice and I end up cussing him out. On a side note.... fuck officers and their holier than thou attitude. Unlike 99% of the military I refuse to bed over backwards and treat someoen like royalty just because they have a lot of striped on their arm or lucky charms (bars, leaves, eagles, stars) on their coller. Does that make am a bad airman? Probably. Do I care? lol... no, and I don't even try to fake that I do.

Well wish me luck at trying to forge a happy relationship with that girl I mentioned at the beginning. Or at least luck that I will find the opportunity. A moment where there is just the 2 of us. No one listening over my shoulder and trying to hear my private conversations face to face or over the phone.

"The best part of beLIEve is the lie. I hope you sing along and you steal a line. I need to keep you like this in my mind. So give in or just give up." Words to live by from Fall Out Boy.

~SS